April 2011
2 posts
from A Tijuana Tale (Part 2)
from A Tijuana Tale (Part 1)
March 2010
3 posts
Tosca
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gAKxYK7H80&feature=... →
a friend of a friend’s doll antics
an excerpt from "The Age Of Misinformation"
a girl whose name was Erika Strada
sat behind me in 7th grade Language Arts class
she was born the same year that CHiPs made its debut
I never saw her ride a motorcycle
or arrest anybody
but one time
she did trade me some sour apple Jolly Ranchers
for a bag of Fritos
February 2010
4 posts
Harly
There was this kid who listened to Death Metal all the time. His name was Harly Chesterton. Sometimes he’d put on a Freddy Krueger mask and went around with this blonde wig on too that was all curly and long like Bette Midler kind of. He talked to girls in a low voice, like almost a whisper. Sometimes they didn’t hear him. He had to repeat stuff a lot, like when the teacher called on him in class....
late and soon
fist fights
fist fights
they don’t solve anything
except when Buster Douglas KO’d Mike Tyson to win the Heavyweight Championship in 1990
that solved something
something old
Lighter than most mornings around here
I saw God sitting on a fire hydrant.
I asked him, “Hey, how ya doing there God?”
He said, “Okay.”
I said, “Just okay?
I mean, you’re God.”
He said, “You know,
I have my bad days too,
just like you.
Made in my image, you know?
I’m just like you.”
I flipped him a quarter,
told him to have a good day;
and he said,
“I can’t guarantee that,
but
you...
January 2010
3 posts
habituated to the hunt of stealing things like...
white socks like a so boring of a time like this white socks like a
happier time being had by all
white socks are not for me no not at all
white socks are for the basement only
like white socks for dusting
white socks take the cake and white socks can have the cake
jump
wrestle
fish for fish while fishing
white socks yours not mine white socks not so white after all no
white socks at my...
a certain application of the uncertainty principle...
I cannot teach my dog new tricks. He is not an old dog. He is young, really. So why will not my dog be able to perform new tricks? I teach my dog the tricks. I am a good teacher. I am patient. I have much good strategy when it comes to trick teaching. I lie down. I pant. I put my hands up like paws. These are things my dog can see. He can see me do these things. I roll over. I do these things...
December 2009
4 posts
The Melancholia of Heraclitus
take me home.
no.
please?
no way. can’t do it.
why?
because.
because why?
why is because.
because?
why.
that’s no because. that’s why.
why?
because.
fuck you.
*
take me home.
okay.
thanks.
no prob.
no?
yep.
Swell.
*
take me home.
let me think about it.
no.
why?
there just isn’t time.
I don’t care.
I do.
Well, well, well.
Sheepherder.
*
take me home.
you’re already...
Mr. T
conversation #413
-I want you to sing happy birthday to me.
--No way.
-Come on.
--Not gonna happen.
-We are not in outerspace.
--That’s true. I agree with that.
-So. Why not? Sing it.
--It’s not something that you should be hoping for. You’re only going to be let down if you hope for things like that.
-Sing it.
--No.
-Why are you being difficult?
--I’m being easy. I’m not singing. Singing would be difficult. Singing is not something I do well.
-It will be a party if you sing. A birthday party.
--It’s not. It’s not a party. It’s not your birthday. This is not a birthday party.
-It could be.
--No. That will not happen.
my good friend jones
November 2009
6 posts
Findings
the fortune cookie hunter
Ahab On Shore Leave
I’m not sure but I was sitting in Dolores Park and getting drunk on somebody else’s beer, and this stripper wearing a leather bodice came up to me and told me to stop looking at her wistfully. The rain hadn’t started yet. The trees were throwing their leaves all over the place. My legs were killing me from sitting on my ass all day. My back was doing some complaining of its own. I was lying on the...
Caveat Lector
calling all able-bodied citizens
to punch me in the face
first off
let’s just say that if the fist fits
well
let’s just say
it just might do the job
for once
of rearranging my map
do not jab
crack to it
emit a smile
it’s the weft of the thing that matters
a pattern of skin and muscle and blood too
calling all caged animals
calling all nuns
as befits the occasion
this will seem...
Archimedes of Syracuse
don’t put the toilet paper roll back on
not on backwards
don’t put the
toilet paper roll
on backwards
not today
no no no way
let’s all do something the same
let’s get it right
for now
just for today
let the angels sing for us
because the toilet
paper roll is not on backwards
west is the direction
east is the way
we are not scrub brushes
we have eyelashes
we make cookies
don’t go...
the day i saved my own life
it started out with feet. not shoes. feet. just feet. that’s all. i was walking up a steep hill, saw the feet lying there on the sidewalk, and noticed a body attached to them too. the body was lying on its stomach. the head was facing straight down, causing the nose to squash against the pavement. i then noticed an empty pair of shoes just above the head. they were set neatly side by side, as if...
October 2009
1 post
mary mary
A very large cake arrived at our work today. On the cake it said, “Congratulations Mary! Happy Retirement!” Nobody at our work is named Mary. The cake was good. It had strawberries in it, and a lot of roses drawn on it with red icing. We cut the cake into pieces and ate them out of paper cups with plastic forks. It was good. We all liked Mary’s cake very much.
September 2009
2 posts
Absurdist Notions Concerning The Ephemeral and...
Our band was called Levitated Potatoes. We recorded pencils dropping on a table. There were good times and bad times when we were in a band. There are always good and bad times. Our band played parties. People got drunk and threw things at us like chicken wings and bottles. Some people spit on us. We were not that good of a band. Music is a matter of taste. Our band is no longer a band.
http://excerptsanderratta.blogspot.com/2009/09/titl... →
Bear With Fish-Sized Penis (take one)
August 2009
4 posts
fame
the flags fly at half mast for some dead senator who just so happened to be named Kennedy there is probably a good reason that I should care about this but I don’t
the kind of day that people die on
partly cloudy like a crush of cauliflower scabbing the sky
it was a Friday
and hotter than Death Valley in July
a cop was at my door
giving it a good pounding
like some kind of a crazed bongo drummer
so I opened it
the cop was a heavyset woman with eyes like liver spots
she was looking for the old man who lived up on the 4th floor
he was a painter and a writer of letters
I liked him
he used a...
The Statue Of Liberty Pose
The American Dream Five Flights Up
July 2009
8 posts
Another Ordinary Afternoon At The Lowercase Bar
randolph lifts up his arms and sails ailing to the moon
frank grumbles
don’t it look easy from way down here on the ground
and holds a flaming match to the end of a lucky wilting from his crooked smile
percy serves stiff drinks and rattles the ice around in the glass for you
felix grabs a girl’s arm and runs away with her
madison cries because a fortuneteller wouldn’t tell
there is a...
William Carlos Williams With a Side Of Lungfish
current trends among romantic astronomers
The girl caught him looking at the other girl who was walking by (the girl who had caught his eye) and though he didn’t know this particular girl at all (the one who had caught him looking) it made him feel guilty because he had been looking at her first before the other girl had stolen his gaze away and down the street (where the first girl was not) and so he looked away (from where the other...
“He’d crouch there at the plate and kind of look like he was taking a shit, like...”
– The portly White Sox fan at the Golden Gate Casino Bar in Las Vegas speaking to me about Aaron Rowand
poem #47
You know who never had a pet as a kid?
Me.
That’s who.
One day
when I was seven
my dad brought home some fish from the fish store.
They died that night.
I wasn’t sad.
They didn’t even
have names.
Take The Trash Out With You When You Go
A story I...
June 2009
4 posts
“After one-hitting Boston on May 2, 1904, Philadelphia Athletics pitcher Rube...”
– An interesting story I found while doing some research for a piece I’m writing about Cy Young.
an excerpt from “Sketches Done While Listening To The Talking Heads On A Tuesday Afternoon”
Shelly and Lloyd
We used to be busy waiting for Jesus. That is what we were concerning ourselves with. Sure, we went through carwashes with our eyes open. We did a lot of things while we were waiting for Jesus. We played guitars. We talked about our problems and expressed concern. We had...
“By 1865 the US minister to St Petersburg, Cassius Clay of Kentucky, pushed for...”
– From The American Age by Walter LaFeber
I think Mohammed Ali would be proud of his namesake.
“At Monterey, the Americans won despite the absence of one of their top officers,...”
– This is from a book about the 1846-1848 US war with Mexico. Finally, some new euphemisms for having the runs: “getting a jeweled sword” and “displaying some gallantry at Monterey”
A few sample sentences—
“Man, that spinach dip is not sitting right. I think I...
May 2009
3 posts
My entry in the 500 Words Or Less Storytelling...
WatchThe Many Moods Of Davy Cee
April 2009
4 posts
“The Late Early Wynn Loses One More”
– A fictional headline for a story where a baseball statistical historian, who is researching the career of Early Wynn, discovers an extra loss that has gone un-tallied for over fifty years, adding one more loss to Wynn’s career total of 244.
Ben Gazarra reading a Bukowksi poem in 1981
Q&A
Bob: Did they do it with guns?
Jesus: No. Don’t ask about guns.
Bob: Everybody does it.
Jesus: Don’t ask.
Bob: People have guns. People use them to shoot other people.
Jesus: Drop it.
Bob: Don’t ask?
Jesus: When it comes to the guns.
Bob: You don’t want me asking about the guns.
Jesus: When it comes to the guns, don’t ask.
Bob: Got it. But what about the guns? What’s with the guns?
Jesus: The guns. There we go again. Again with the guns.
Bob: Well, did they or didn’t they?
Jesus: You mean regarding the guns?
Bob: I mean the people with the guns.
Jesus: Without the guns.
Bob: They didn’t have guns?
Jesus: They had guns alright. They just didn’t do it with them.
Bob: Did they do it?
Jesus: Not with guns.
Bob: Just in general though. They did it, right?
Jesus: Sure. They did it. They had guns. They did it.
Bob: But they didn’t do it with guns.
Jesus: When it comes down to it, no. They did it, but not with guns.
Bob: What did they do it with?
Jesus: Guns.
Bob: Oh. That’s very interesting.
Jesus: It is, isn't it?
With The Sky As My Witness
The Sky:
This guy thinks I didn’t see him. But I saw him alright. You think I wouldn’t know that guy? I’m the sky for Christ’s sake. He’s sneaky, but I saw him. You can bet I saw him. Put that down in your ledger. Write it up in your diary. I’m way up here. You know, I’m the sky. I don’t need to take a picture. I’m all the way up here, real high up, you know? And I saw him down there. I wasn’t...
March 2009
5 posts
“so there’s this guy, see, who takes a trip, and he goes off to see the sights,...”
– An excerpt from Capricorn One Plus Me